Art by djevojka.tumblr.com
In my opinion, I am currently residing in the Mariana trench of my life as compared to how I have lived the past 6891 days so far. I do realize that I might (or might not) end up in a place deeper than this in the years to come, and I can only hope that I am prepared for that mayhem.
I remember years back, like 3, I wished to feel how it felt like to be brought down and taste the dirt in my mouth, gasping for a breath, engulfed by mental hysteria. “Would I survive such a thing? “, I used to ask myself. Now clearly, this isn’t the worst thing to happen to me, but this time period surely isn’t something less maddening. Be careful what you wish for, I guess? I do not know whether it will get any better next year, but a man can always hope.
But in terms of loneliness I am pretty sure this is the worst phase of my life. I have lovely friends, a lot of them, and a few close ones too, but owing to my disability to somehow fail to be able to feel that ‘love’, I feel lonely whilst pretty much standing in a hall full of people.
There’s apparently a difference between being alone and being lonely, in my own opinion. Being alone is a choice, whereas being lonely is a compulsion. Someone who lives his life all alone isn’t seen as an inept person in the society, for he doesn’t need anyone for any kind of help and is kind of an all-rounder. On the other hand, someone who leads a lonely life is seen as a flawed person, unable to procure a place in the society because of his inabilities.
It suffocates me to know that nothing special is going to happen in my life for the next half a year, the same monotonous routine shall go on, as like chains my own choices will keep me bound. These choices, ironically, are my sources of strength; strength which like a candle flame at a distance keeps me warm as I slowly swim through cold waves of time, praying for the candle to not run out.
That aside, I have been trying to lucid dream since the past one week and I am also making notes of several interesting elements and abnormalities I notice in my own dream sequences, which may or may not help me further. One mildly fascinating thing I noticed was how we can’t actually recall previous dreams while dreaming, and whenever we do, its not an actual memory of a dream but a new dream sequence that acts as a memory, forcing us to believe that we just recalled a previous dream in our current dream. In simpler words, we create those memories in real-time instead of recalling. Our subconscious mind is just not able to recall dreams in such a state. We can of course recall real life events while dreaming.
There are several ways to become lucid while dreaming, the approach I am following is to keep notes of what I dream, and write them down in an attempt to memorize them. Doing this might help me “realize” whenever I am in a dream. This realization is what will make me lucid. I have read how people change their diets, work on their sleep patterns, exercise accordingly, and many other things. As someone who has gone lucid in the past, way before I even knew about lucid dreaming, I believe I can achieve this feat by realization alone, which I will attain solely through memory.
I can only hope that I am actually able to do this, for lucid dreaming can help me fill my monochromatic life up with some colors.
Something that has been bugging me for days is a horrifying thought. I ran out of my sleeping pills which suppress my insomnia and anxiety so my father called the doctor up who advised him to take me to a psychiatrist instead, as that would be a better choice, to hear his opinion, instead of forever living on pills. So I went there and told him about my fear, anxiety and resultant insomnia and he told me in a rather “so what?” tone that it is very normal to feel that way, and that everyone fears and feels anxious. I tried to tell him how it clings onto my neck and chokes the life out of me, but he refused to consider it a serious ailment.
I guess I saw through his strategy to make me feel “normal” but then I thought to myself, “What if this actually IS normal for me?”, and that has me thinking till now whether I am trying too hard to change my normal mental and emotional constitutional mindset into something else, only because I feel I am diseased. Maybe this is how I am meant to be? Not everyone is born perfect. Maybe I was supposed to struggle this way because this is how life is. Nature doesn’t care about what is wrong and what is right. This here, horrifies me, thinking that I will forever stay the way I am right now.
I have had anxiety since childhood. Its now that somehow I am arousing my anxiety way too much, and its hurting me really badly. This is like Asthma on the mental level.